I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart, that's still beating.

Sometimes I wonder where have all my friends gone and sometimes I just feel all alone.
As I sit in front of the computer, thoughts are constantly running through my mind and I just have no one to dump them too.
I'm not the type of person who would trust anyone that easily to confide my problems to.
So I hardly approach anyone.
Though there are a few who approach me to ask, they are usually the unexpected ones and not the expected ones.

But then again, where have I gone for all my friends?
Apart from my friends in SRJC, I've completely strayed away from my church and secondary and primary school friends.
And I'm a really sucky friend to them.

There's so much within me that I just want to burst out.
The only place where I can do that is in my room.
But when at home for long, I would feel like I'm in an isolation chamber.
I just suck.

Miss Ni told me something today I find total truth in.
Which is the fact that I'm a con atriste.
I've been using my jokes and stupid antics to cover up all the pain within me.
I try to solve people's problems because I can't figure out how to solve my own.
I don't know what I want in the future; no plans.
I'm just some confused kid on the inside with a fake smile on the outside.

But there's something Miss Ni is wrong about me.
It's the truth that I do not love myself at all.
I honestly don't know how to love myself.
How not to look around the mrt to realise I'm the shortest guys there.
How not to look around my friends and realise I do not look as good as them.
How not to look around my friends changing physically and mentally when I'm still stuck in my kiddish body thinking I've changed as well.

My re-exam, I've not even studied yet.
I seriously have no motivation and no optimism left.
Seeing my results after countless times of working hard, studying hard, pushing myself to the limits really wears me down.
Sometimes, I wonder why I even try so hard to excel in my studies when I know that I just can't no matter how hard I tried.
''It's your studying method.''
I've heard this line so many times and I'm quite sick of it.
I changed it, and I still failed.
"Maybe you're still not studying right."
This is what they all say.
I just can't get it right.

I disappoint my parents, I disappoint my friends and I disappoint myself.
Now I'm even disappointing God.
I'm breaking slowly.

While lying at the park and the musics being played, and I look up to the red night sky, you suddenly appeared in my mind.
I want to abstain and forget because I know exactly how you feel about me, but I can't.
The same signs showed initially, the same start and the ending will be the same again.
I just plain suck.

Sometimes I envy those secondary school couples.
Even though they're still not quite matured yet, and even though we all say these kind of relationships won't last, I still envy them.
For at least they have someone who cares for them, someone who'll send a 'Good morning!' or a 'I miss you.' to them.
Just having the thought of someone caring for you is just an awesome feeling.

I'm just clinging onto the edge of the cliff.
If only everyone knew.
If only you knew.


Peace and love,
Lewis

how salty life tastes now that I'm broken.

Honestly, Ive not been felt good these few days.
Certain circumstances in my life which I feel unbearable to carry.
Friends' problems. Family problems. Girl problems. Loneliness problems. Superficial problems.
These are my undeniable and unashamed problems.
There is some truth in what johnismyname/johnny said.
Which is I've turned emotional and I'm letting it affect me.

I'm not going to bring down the dude, but I just want to let him/her know that I've been trying to deal with them.
There's just a limit to how much a small boy can take.
And blogging is just a small space for me to breathe.

Outings with the guys really help keep my mind off things and I really appreciate the times we all spent out together.
Though I may not share with all of you guys the whole of my problems, you all never fail to cheer me up and listen to what I have to say.
Even when I'm the smallest dude there.

So not everything's going right for me.
But right now, I shall just concentrate on soccer.
Unless someone whom I doubt will ever enter into the fray shows signs.
Though it's difficult to take a familiar image our of my head, I'll try.
Studies wise, I may be retaining considering the fact that I seriously have no motivation to study for the re-exam.
And who knows? SRJC may not even see me in it next year.

Miss Ni said the polytechnic can be the best place to get our lives restarted.
Chester and I agree to that.

Oh well, only time will tell.

Yes, I like the girl.
But somehow I have an ass feeling that the same thing will happen again.
Some of my closer friends will know what happened to me before.
But oh well, if it happens, I will take it with a pinch of salt like I've always been.

I know I do not have the right to say this to all my depressed friends, but hang on to another day just to see what gets thrown in your way.
Be brave to defend what you truly believe in, what you consider important.
And know you're never alone in whatever circumstance you're in.
I'd still love to listen to any of you.
And if anyone of you needs linking or anything, feel free to send me a private message.
The chaos in the tagbox is getting out of hand.

Well, if whatever's meant to be will be,
It will be.


Peace and love,
Lewis

so if you love me, won't you let me know?

Same signs lead to same ending.
Guess the ol' cliche's gonna happen.

Again.


Peace and love,
Lewis

chasing shadows? yeah.

3 Doors Down - Landing in London

I woke up today in London
As the plane was touching down
And all I could think about was Monday
When maybe I’d be back around
If this keeps me away much longer
I don’t know what I would do
You got to understand it’s a hard life,
that I’m going through

And when the night falls in around me
And I don’t think I’ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you

L. A. is getting kind of crazy
And New York is getting kind of cold
I keep my head from getting lazy
I just can’t wait to get back home

And all these days I spend away
Ill make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it’s all to much to bear

And when the night falls in around me
And I don’t think I’ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you

And all these days I spend away
Ill make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it’s all to much to bear

And when the night falls in around me
And I don’t think I’ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way

Cause all I think about is you

Cause all I think about is you


Peace and love,
Lewis

will you know my name? if I saw you in heaven.

Professor: "Part of the problem, is that everyone is on such a hurry. People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're running all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. Then they find those things are empty, too, and they keep running."

Student: "And once you start running, it's hard to slow yourself down."

Professor: "Not so hard,"

Professor: "Do you know what I do when someone wants to get ahead of me in traffic?"

Professor: "I would raise my hand, as if I was going to make a negative gesture, and then I would wave and smile."

Professor: "Instead of giving them the finger, you let them go, and you smile. And you know what?"

Professor: "A lot of times they smiled back."

Smile and let go.

Peace and love,
Lewis

until someday, I will find the answer.

Breakdown lag.
Why try?
I'm suffocating in here.


Peace and love,
Lewis

there's really no way to reach me.

It has been four freaking consecutive days since I last slept for more than three hours!
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
I'm frustrated.
I'm freaking drained and I'm unable to take everything any longer!
Screw PW and every other shit on my mind!
Screw you lewis!

Screw you lewis!


Peace and love,
Lewis

I need to know if you were real, cause I've been known to get it wrong.

I have so much to say, yet so little to share.
Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard.
Perhaps, I mean nothing at all.
I'm tired.
Gimme a break.


Peace and love,
Lewis

I'm in repair; I'm not together but I'm getting there.

Between the Trees - Darlin'

I for one feel that I've got to stop living in the shadows of my past.
Love coffee with Dud (:


Peace and love,
Lewis

when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

You caught me by surprise,
as it was during the time when I could not rise.
I was kept down from my previous experience,
still unable to shake off the occurrence.

I prayed for a miracle,
hoping not to receive something which is satirical.
Then there you were,
beckoning me out of the blur.

Beautiful you are,
with no other human being on par.
Special you are,
like the brightest ever shinning star.

Though you may not agree,
you are to me.
But afraid I am,
knowing this is no tinker's damn.

Giving too much may not be the best choice,
but I just want to see you in rejoice.
Strange that this looks so familiar,
yet feels so peculiar.

Perhaps it may be one-way traffic,
but it may not be all so tenebrific.
Because when you smile,
it makes it all worthwhile.

I may be a fool,
and never be cool.
I may be small,
and never tall.

But one thing's for certain,
and not one that you can draw the iron curtain.
Is that you're lingering in my mind,
and it's not something I can unbind.

What else can I say about school but PW sucks?


Peace and love,
Lewis

someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky.

I fear of the past repeating itself.
The thought of me left bleeding on the ground kept repeating in my head.
Perhaps it's because it happened over and over again.
And I'm afraid this will be the same case.

Until I get a definite answer would I stop worrying.
But at the same time, I'm afraid of knowing the answer.
The only thing left to do is, refrain and see.

You came into my life
Quietly, simply, placidly
And my words stood still...

I couldn't express in words
Or even in simple gestures
The secret
I kept in my heart.
So I loved in silence,
Admired you from a distance, dreamt if you from afar.

I wanted to say I love you...
I wanted to say I care.

But cowardly, maybe, you'll only laugh at me.
In silence then I will love you...
In silence then I will care...

So if you love me, won't you let me know?


Peace and love,
Lewis

and you thought you found your first love.

My mind's in a whirlpool of chaos.
But one thing I know, is that God puts us through these circumstances for a reason.
It may not be pretty, but it's for the best.
So whatever the result, I'll still praise Him.

Been listening to John Mayer and Coldplay.
Their lyrics certainly have a deep connection to me.
Oh well, let's just enjoy the life we have now.
Before the storm comes again.
And when that happens,

I'll be prepared.


Peace and love,
Lewis

though nothing's going right, I'll have to make this right.

Retain?
Maybe.
The thought of it sucks, but if that's where God wants me, I'll retain.

I can't shake you off my mind.
Why?
I don't know why either.

Perhaps,
only time will tell.


Peace and love,
Lewis

Faith.

Today, I felt like a kid again.
I missed the adrenaline.
Chillax'd.

One day, a teacher had an exercise for his students to try.
They were to stand, facing away from their classmates, and fall backward, relying on another student to catch them.
Most of them were uncomfortable with this, and cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping themselves.
They laughed in embarrassment.

Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom almost always wears bulky white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes. leans back, and does not flinch.

For a moment, everyone was sure she is going to thump on the floor.
At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up harshly.

"Whoa!" several students yelled. Some clapped.
The teacher finally smiles.
"You see," he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes.
That was the difference.

Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel.
And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too- -even when you're in the dark.
Even when you're falling."

Trust me (:


Peace and love,
Lewis

is love everything? yes it is.

Love.
This word can be used to describe all aspects in life.
So the question is: Is love everything?

Let's face it.
None of us know the true meaning of love cause it's unexplainable.
When it comes, it comes.
When you do something for another person, you do it.
My definition of love: Sacrifice.

How far would one go to help out a friend?
How far would one go to get the attention of a girl/guy?
I think we all know the answer to them.

When we love someone, we go all out.
Regardless of how we feel or what we would benefit out of it.
Just to see a smile on the face of the person you helped and to hear their laughters is the most rewarding experience.

Friends are the most important people in a person's life.
I came to realise my true friends in SRJC.
There are times where one of us may stumble.
But as friends, we're quick to pick one another up.
I just want to give a heartfelt thanks to the friends who stood with me through everything.
Four people in my primary school have stood by me as well and I will not exclude the credit from you guys.

Anyway, the way all of them treated me, now that's love.
How can we live without love? Without compassion?

Is love everything then?
Yes...yes it is.


Peace and love,
Lewis

One word to describe today: Uncertain.
Constant push & pull factors are confusing me.
Seeing my friends' plights made me afraid.
Retracing the memories of the past add to that.
These pain of these scars just won't heal.
Help me.
Please.


Peace and love,
Lewis