I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart, that's still beating.

Sometimes I wonder where have all my friends gone and sometimes I just feel all alone.
As I sit in front of the computer, thoughts are constantly running through my mind and I just have no one to dump them too.
I'm not the type of person who would trust anyone that easily to confide my problems to.
So I hardly approach anyone.
Though there are a few who approach me to ask, they are usually the unexpected ones and not the expected ones.

But then again, where have I gone for all my friends?
Apart from my friends in SRJC, I've completely strayed away from my church and secondary and primary school friends.
And I'm a really sucky friend to them.

There's so much within me that I just want to burst out.
The only place where I can do that is in my room.
But when at home for long, I would feel like I'm in an isolation chamber.
I just suck.

Miss Ni told me something today I find total truth in.
Which is the fact that I'm a con atriste.
I've been using my jokes and stupid antics to cover up all the pain within me.
I try to solve people's problems because I can't figure out how to solve my own.
I don't know what I want in the future; no plans.
I'm just some confused kid on the inside with a fake smile on the outside.

But there's something Miss Ni is wrong about me.
It's the truth that I do not love myself at all.
I honestly don't know how to love myself.
How not to look around the mrt to realise I'm the shortest guys there.
How not to look around my friends and realise I do not look as good as them.
How not to look around my friends changing physically and mentally when I'm still stuck in my kiddish body thinking I've changed as well.

My re-exam, I've not even studied yet.
I seriously have no motivation and no optimism left.
Seeing my results after countless times of working hard, studying hard, pushing myself to the limits really wears me down.
Sometimes, I wonder why I even try so hard to excel in my studies when I know that I just can't no matter how hard I tried.
''It's your studying method.''
I've heard this line so many times and I'm quite sick of it.
I changed it, and I still failed.
"Maybe you're still not studying right."
This is what they all say.
I just can't get it right.

I disappoint my parents, I disappoint my friends and I disappoint myself.
Now I'm even disappointing God.
I'm breaking slowly.

While lying at the park and the musics being played, and I look up to the red night sky, you suddenly appeared in my mind.
I want to abstain and forget because I know exactly how you feel about me, but I can't.
The same signs showed initially, the same start and the ending will be the same again.
I just plain suck.

Sometimes I envy those secondary school couples.
Even though they're still not quite matured yet, and even though we all say these kind of relationships won't last, I still envy them.
For at least they have someone who cares for them, someone who'll send a 'Good morning!' or a 'I miss you.' to them.
Just having the thought of someone caring for you is just an awesome feeling.

I'm just clinging onto the edge of the cliff.
If only everyone knew.
If only you knew.


Peace and love,
Lewis