Fight.

I seriously think I'll be retaining ths year.

And if I do, bye bye SR.

I don't know why, but I lack motivation.

I guess all that'ss happening in my life is screwing me off.

Images just keep replaying in my mind.

Whatever.

I hate having this feeling.

I need some care and concern from someone, anyone.

Home now feels like an isolation chamber where I talk to no one but my maid,

where I feel so bored that I'll just keep thinking of shit in my life.

But then I realised, that throughout my whole entire life,

I've never been so blessed like other people who could get things they wanted without lifting much of a finger.

Instead, I always kept fighting.

So I conclude that I'm a fighter.

And with that in mind, I'll just keep fighting for what I believe in.

All except that self-delusional fact.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see how things go for me.

Lonliness, sickness, delusioness, shortness, fightness

guess that's just me.

Peace and love,

Lewis

Game Over.

Game over.
I knew it was coming.
But just didn't expect it to come so soon.
My friends, life for me has been hell and if I could leave, maybe I would.
Most of you may see me as a funny little clown around school with no worries.
But do not be fooled by the exterior, cause I'm a dude full of shit.
Some may think that I am gay because I mostly hang out with guys,
but the fact of the matter is that, I like a girl.
Sure, relationships are not important at the moment, but it hit me and I'm a sucker for it.

For the past few weeks, I've not been myself.
I've been depressed and showing it.
I guess this has been affecting me real bad even when I know I shouldn't let this happen.
So if you think the situation with the person you admire is bad, you should see my situation first.
Here it goes:
Boy 1 comes to SRJC, no one in mind, sees a girl from a distant, liked her for her looks.
As time went by, he realised he can't shrug her off his mind and soon they became friends.
Boy thinks he has a chance and started liking her for who she is and not her looks.
Suddenly, boy 1 gets news girl likes another boy 2.
Boy get depressed but feels he stands a chance.
One day in school, boy 1 sees girl with boy 2 studying in school.
Boy 1 knew then that he has been having false hopes and knows he must give her up.
Boy 1 gets depressed and tries to let go.
Boy 1 simply can't.
Boy 1 gets talk from friend 1 and realises he should not get affected anymore.
Boy 1 now decides to continue to bring laughter into SR as there are others who have not 'gamed over'.
And at the same time, still keep her in his heart.
No matter how painful it is to see girl with boy 2, girl is happy and that's all that should really matter.
So boy 1 has stopped messaging girl because he does not want to be a pest and intrude in the getting together of girl and boy 2.
And boy 1 is me.

Shocked?
I am too.
Well, the only thing I can do right now, is to advise friends not to folow my stupidity and 'game over' themselves.
And in the meanwhile, I can bring laughter to the stressed.

Even if deep within me I may be broken.


Peace and love,
Lewis

Yet another morning of dissapointment.
This is really affecting me.
I hate it.
And at the same time, I like it.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way.
But I don't know why I'm feeling this way as well.
A series of paradox.

This time is different.
I know.
I've never felt this way before:
Crazy.

I'm tired of holding back my emotions.
I just want to let it all out.
All those ridiculous love songs,
I finally understand.

But then again,
it all boils down to one damn thing:
Lewis, you're just not good enough.


Peace and love,
Lewis

Fallen.

Why am I so affected by it?
Why does this keep happening to me?
It's true, I never get what I want.
Hardly.

I can't take it anymore!
I'm suffocating inside.
I've been suppressing it within me for a long time already and I'm about to crack.
I appreciate life and all,
but I just keep wondering why I keep deceiving myself.

Apparently what I ask for is too much.
I see people all around getting it.
Why can't I?

Perhaps it all boils down to one thing:
Lewis, you're just not good enough.


Peace and love,
Lewis

The Journey To Reality.

Welcome me back to reality cause I've just taken a trip of revelation.
Route Travelled: Arab Street.

Along the way,
I saw beggars along the streets, empty shops and empty houses.
Having compassion for the beggars, I searched through my wallet hoping for some small notes I can offer to them.
But none.
All I had were 3 $10 notes and 1 $50 note.
Instead of giving the $10 or $50,
I gave only $1.65 worth of coins; loose change.
After giving to them,
I came to a realisation that we as humans are all materialistic.
The reluctance to give $10 to some poor soul cut me deep.
Just when I thought I am doing good,
I realised I could've done so much more.

It brought me back to this story I heard about a man who walks around bare-footed, hoping for some new pair of shoes as he felt his were too old-fashioned.
Until one day he met a man who had no legs.
He never changed his shoes ever since.

What I am trying to say is that we don't realise just how lucky all of us are.
We complain about our face because it's full of pimples,
we complain our height because it's below-average,
we complain of the allowance our parents give to us,
we complain of how tough our lives are and how tired we are of it.
And we just stay there and complain.
But while we're complaining,
there are people out there with disfigured faces,
there are people out there who are midgets,
there are people out there begging on the streets,
there are people out there slogging day and night for a mere amount of money enough for a meal.
These are people who fight.
They fight for what they desire most.
Like us,
they have dreams,
they have aspirations,
they're tired,
they're hungry.
For that,
they fight and fight.
And even if they do not make it,
at least they can't say they didn't try.

You want happiness?
Fight for it.
Not with hatred,
not with violence,
but with love.

No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.
At the same time, it is often within your power to make them better.
You want a miracle?

Be the miracle.


Peace and love,
Lewis