I'm trying.

The mid-year exams are officially over for me.
One simple letter to describe how I think I will fare:

U.
If the teachers marking my papers are kind enough,
they would put two dots above whatever 'U's I got to at least try to cheer me up.
But I doubt they will.

Hurdles; How I can't seem to get past this one.

Life for me has been tough.
Been going through some occasional mood swings recently.
If it weren't for 'The Clique Five',
I think I would've cracked.
Anyway,
I've been thinking pretty much about my life and how it's been.
Pretty much screwed I must say.
I've been struggling to come back to God,
I've been struggling in my studies,
I've been struggling to cling on to my faith,
I've been struggling to handle the stress of both studies and soccer,
I've been struggling to not care about my height.
I've been struggling to find myself.
Struggling has been the only verb I can describe myself doing most of the time.

Through it all I also came to realise that I've been a disappointing friend to almost everyone I know.
I've failed to find the time to talk to my friends who are going throught the same spiritual sloth as I am.
I've been ignoring my leaders; refusing to talk about my problems.
I've been so coped up with my JC life that I fail to hang out with the 'Saints' and my other close friends such as Zi, Janice, Eleanor.
I hate myself for being so ignorant and selfish to think of only myself.

My friends keep telling me to hang on.
My reply is always:
I'm trying.
And I seriously am trying.
I've tried to talk to God,
I've tried to share my problems with my friends,
I've tried to not think too much;
I've tried to find the joy in my life;
I've tried to find an answer to my questions.
But whenever I thought I found the answers,
someone would just change the questions.

It's not that I want to be emotional,
but it's just that feeling that will suddenly gush in when things do not seem right.
Practically,
nothing seems right to me.

So ya,
this is how I've been so far.


Peace and love,
Lewis