Love.

It's been a long time since my last post and i really thank my patriotic blog visitors and those who tagged my tag box for sticking with this blog.
I'm now going through what you call,
post-exam trauma.
Haha.

Anyway, i realised that everywhere i go,
i can see relationships happening.
I know that feeling,
cause i experienced it before;
you see a girl/boy and you got zapped by their image.
And somehow you feel that they're the one for you and that this is love.
When you finally get together,
you feel as though you've won a battle.
You tell each other your love for each other will be forever.
But forever is a strong word.

One day you will wake up and realise that the feelings are all gone.
That thrill of meeting up.
That heart-pounding feeling when you are both together.
That "I can't live without you".
That smile when you are both together.
That adrenaline to run forward when you see each other from a distant.
And you will have this messed up feeling within you;
that sian-ness feeling when you guys are meeting up.
That silence when you guys are eating together.
Then you glance away and you see another girl/boy.
And you wonder to yourself,
why can't she/he be my girlfriend/boyfriend instead?

The break-up usually happens afterwards.
Some people are too soft and doesn't want to hurt the other party.
So they just drag these bottled feelings longer,
thinking that it will not hurt the other party.
But one thing you should know,
it hurts more to know later.
In retrospect,
i've had these feelings before and i am sad to say,
i've hurt a poor soul in the process.

Where am i getting to you might be wondering.
Well,
i've been online my MSN till late nights and i noticed the depression some of my friends have had due to their relationship problems.
Friends saying phrases like, "I love you" too easily.
And the all-time favourite,
"I can't live without you".
Their whole world has been revolved around girls/boys that they have the mindset that having a girlfriend/boyfriend is a must.
And that when you have a tiny ounce of feeling for the opposite sex,
you must get them to be your girlfriend/boyfriend.
This is just pathetic.
And i am ashamed to admit that i was once like that.

After my break-up,
i was into hiding from that girl and just right,
Dudley invited me to his church event.
At that event,
i decided to take my hiding to church and indulge myself in the activities there.
I accepted Christ.
But for the wrong reasons.
I thought that as a Christian,
God would protect me from the then 'menacing' girl.
I got it all wrong.

Instead,
two more gruelling months till the hiding was all over.
Along the way,
i was a stagnant Christian.
Just going to church to hang out with friends.
I was a mess.
But then one day,
when i had finally enough of the depths of pornography to drown my sorrows,
i got down to my knees and begged the Lord for forgiveness.
You may think that i'm crazy,
but the Lord showed me a vision.
And that vision,
once interpreted to me,
showed me exactly what true love is.
He died on the cross for all of us,
even for those who still doesn't believe in Him,
just so that all our sins will be washed away.
In other words,
He took the fall for our mistakes.
"For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not die but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to be its judge, but to be its savior."
- John 3:16-17

It touched my heart to know that God saved a wretch like me.
Once held down by love,
now held up by Christ.
My dear friend Douglas once told me,
the key to a successful relationship is not based on feelings,
but on commitment.
If you claim someone to be the one for you based on your own feelings,
it may go smoothly for the first two months,
but it'll all go wrong in the next few months.
The reason of my failure in being a boyfriend is commitment.
Please don't go on rashly into a relationship just because you got 'feel' for that person just as i did.
That 'feel' will fade away just as quickly as that 'feel' came.

After that encounter with God,
i felt better,
but i wasn't completely healed.
I was still tied down from my height indifference.
I kept feeling that i'm not tall enough to handle anything.
That my height is a disgrace.
Have you ever felt as if you're not good enough to do something?
Not good enough for anyone?
Having to fake a smile whenever everyone joked about you?
That's my feeling.
Early mornings i would sigh,
Mid-days i would try,
Late nights i would cry.

One day,
i got so tired of having to fake a smile every single day and feeling short in everything i do.
But God once again showed His love to me.
He led me to this verse that i feel is useful to everyone with low self-esteem problems.
"God purposely chose what the world considers nonsense in order to shame the wise, and He chose what the world considers weak in order to shame the powerful."
- 1 Corinthians 1:27
Do not ever feel that you're too lousy for anything for He doesn't!
Even though i may still suffer occasional 'short feelings',
it won't stick with me for long.
Perhaps i am made this way so that no one else will have to feel short.
I am what i am.

My friend once told me,
"You told me you won't become a hardcore Christian after you become one. Look at you now?"
I didn't know how to answer him back then.
But now i do.
"He changed my life. I can't help it and I wouldn't regret anything. I've been drawn by His grace and mercy and that's all."
I do not exactly regret everything i did before for if i didn't do those things,
i wouldn't have found someone greater.

So love doesn't mean you have to have a partner
Be patient and wait for your lifelong partner.
Do not be tied down by your love for someone.
If you feel that the more relationships you get into will give you a higher status quot,
you're wrong.
The real meaning of 'Making Love' is not sex.
It's having to choose one person and make love work.
You want to know what true love is?
"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Now that's true love.