Weary.

I'm walking in this never-ending path...

I'm tired...
Tired of being alone...
Tired of being short...
Tired of trying but failing...
Tired of this draught period...
Tired of everything.

Frankly, I do not care about captaincy.
I'd give that up just to see the SRJC soccer guys giving it their all during each training,
whether it was impromptu or not.
I'd give that up just to see the guys bonded together.
And I'd give my hopes of growing taller just to see my friends, whether saved or not coming to Christ.

I need a breakthrough...
Somehow somewhere.
Now...

Messed Up.

He is the answer to all of life's' questions.

Lifesong

In this run,
I can't see the sun.

This race,

I can't keep up the pace.

Through tribulation,

I can't find the solution.

The goal,

I can't even find my soul.

People call me short,

Where's my shot?

Insults hurled at me,

Why me!

Through it all,

Someone heard my call.

A Saviour came,

And took my pain away.

On that Cross,

He paid the cost.

Without a thought,

He came and fought.

What did He have to gain?

He died and rose again.

His nail-scarred hands,

Helped me make amends.

Jesus is the Christ,

And He's on my side.

Though there will be dark and gloomy days to come,

I will fear not!

Through Him I will overcome.

This life-giving water,

Remind me never again to falter.

With Him,

Hell is no more the fine,

Heaven is now the finishing line.

It's been a long time since I last blogged and for the benefit of my SRJC friends,

I've decided to blog on my life story again.

Anyway,

for those of you who think of me as just a goofy guy who jokes a lot,

you should know the phrase:

behind every goofy guy, there's always a sentimental side.

Here's the story.

I once was a guy who love to speak vulgarities,

and I mean LOVE to.

I would often try to fit at least one vulgarity into every sentence.

I had the mentality that girls like guys who speak vulgarities.

What a stupid fool I was.

Besides speaking vulgarities,

I used to indulge in pornography to drown my sorrows as well.

And it's nothing to be proud of.

You won't see a guy going around strutting to everyone "I watch porn! I watch porn!".

Anyway,

my sorrow was mainly due to the fact that I used to have a girlfriend.

Yes,

I used to have a girlfriend.

I initiated the break-up because I found out that I didn't have any feelings for her anymore and staying together would just hurt her further.
The months to follow was agonising,

as that girl couldn't let go and kept wanting a patch-up.

I was into hiding like Mas Selamat now and when my friend invited me to his church event,

I decided to take my hiding there.

I went and accepted Christ that day,

but for the wrong reasons.

All that was going through my mind was

"God, tolong tolong. Help her get over me quickly so that I won't have to hide any further. Protect me God."

Selfish me.

The hiding stopped around two months after the break-up and during that period of time,

I've been going to church,

but going just to hang out with the church people.

I was a stagnant Christian with selfish needs.

During that period of time,

I spend most of my times at home emo-ing and crying.

Because I was really sorry for what I did to that poor girl.

I indulged in pornography to not think of anything.

Again,

what a fool i was.

One day,
I had enough and in the shower,

I just dropped to my knees and cried out to God.

Saying "Forgive me for I have sinned against You time and time again. I had enough of my sinful life! Forgive me God!"
At that moment,

a vision came into my mind.

It was a vision of me kneeling before Jesus on the Cross with His blood pouring down on me.

I didn't quite understood it back then and I consulted my life group leader.

He explained to me that the vision was the Lord telling me that He has forgiven me for my sins and the blood represents His blood clensing me of all my sins.

I was overwhelmed and I just burst into tears.

After that incident,

I still wasn't healed completely.

I was still feeling inferior to everybody.

Being shorter than everybody and feeling empty inside.

I still struggled to shrug off pornography in my life.

And it took my friend's father's death to really wake me up and stir me within.
I was just amazed by how my friend and his family took his father's death.

"He has been working hard all his life for this family and I guess it's time the Lord gave hin rest."

This was what he said to me.

I was just so amazed by how devoted they are in God even though they have lost someone so dear to them.

It was then that I decided that I would live my life not for myself,

but for God.

My life changed completely after that incident.

Once held down by sin,

now held up by Christ.

Relationships may mean a lot to you guys.

Finding the right guy or girl to share something with may be satisfying for a couple of months,

but it will all slowly fade away.

In this world there can only be one for you;

the one God chooses for you.

Short I may be,
but trust in the Lord I will.

I am really glad I made the decision to accept Christ and I am really glad to see some of my friends doing the same as well.

Christ changed my life inside out.

From a guy who speaks vulgarities,

a guy who sees pornography,

He changed me and clensed me.

There can only be one definition to love in life,

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in inquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Now that's true love.