I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart, that's still beating.

Sometimes I wonder where have all my friends gone and sometimes I just feel all alone.
As I sit in front of the computer, thoughts are constantly running through my mind and I just have no one to dump them too.
I'm not the type of person who would trust anyone that easily to confide my problems to.
So I hardly approach anyone.
Though there are a few who approach me to ask, they are usually the unexpected ones and not the expected ones.

But then again, where have I gone for all my friends?
Apart from my friends in SRJC, I've completely strayed away from my church and secondary and primary school friends.
And I'm a really sucky friend to them.

There's so much within me that I just want to burst out.
The only place where I can do that is in my room.
But when at home for long, I would feel like I'm in an isolation chamber.
I just suck.

Miss Ni told me something today I find total truth in.
Which is the fact that I'm a con atriste.
I've been using my jokes and stupid antics to cover up all the pain within me.
I try to solve people's problems because I can't figure out how to solve my own.
I don't know what I want in the future; no plans.
I'm just some confused kid on the inside with a fake smile on the outside.

But there's something Miss Ni is wrong about me.
It's the truth that I do not love myself at all.
I honestly don't know how to love myself.
How not to look around the mrt to realise I'm the shortest guys there.
How not to look around my friends and realise I do not look as good as them.
How not to look around my friends changing physically and mentally when I'm still stuck in my kiddish body thinking I've changed as well.

My re-exam, I've not even studied yet.
I seriously have no motivation and no optimism left.
Seeing my results after countless times of working hard, studying hard, pushing myself to the limits really wears me down.
Sometimes, I wonder why I even try so hard to excel in my studies when I know that I just can't no matter how hard I tried.
''It's your studying method.''
I've heard this line so many times and I'm quite sick of it.
I changed it, and I still failed.
"Maybe you're still not studying right."
This is what they all say.
I just can't get it right.

I disappoint my parents, I disappoint my friends and I disappoint myself.
Now I'm even disappointing God.
I'm breaking slowly.

While lying at the park and the musics being played, and I look up to the red night sky, you suddenly appeared in my mind.
I want to abstain and forget because I know exactly how you feel about me, but I can't.
The same signs showed initially, the same start and the ending will be the same again.
I just plain suck.

Sometimes I envy those secondary school couples.
Even though they're still not quite matured yet, and even though we all say these kind of relationships won't last, I still envy them.
For at least they have someone who cares for them, someone who'll send a 'Good morning!' or a 'I miss you.' to them.
Just having the thought of someone caring for you is just an awesome feeling.

I'm just clinging onto the edge of the cliff.
If only everyone knew.
If only you knew.


Peace and love,
Lewis

how salty life tastes now that I'm broken.

Honestly, Ive not been felt good these few days.
Certain circumstances in my life which I feel unbearable to carry.
Friends' problems. Family problems. Girl problems. Loneliness problems. Superficial problems.
These are my undeniable and unashamed problems.
There is some truth in what johnismyname/johnny said.
Which is I've turned emotional and I'm letting it affect me.

I'm not going to bring down the dude, but I just want to let him/her know that I've been trying to deal with them.
There's just a limit to how much a small boy can take.
And blogging is just a small space for me to breathe.

Outings with the guys really help keep my mind off things and I really appreciate the times we all spent out together.
Though I may not share with all of you guys the whole of my problems, you all never fail to cheer me up and listen to what I have to say.
Even when I'm the smallest dude there.

So not everything's going right for me.
But right now, I shall just concentrate on soccer.
Unless someone whom I doubt will ever enter into the fray shows signs.
Though it's difficult to take a familiar image our of my head, I'll try.
Studies wise, I may be retaining considering the fact that I seriously have no motivation to study for the re-exam.
And who knows? SRJC may not even see me in it next year.

Miss Ni said the polytechnic can be the best place to get our lives restarted.
Chester and I agree to that.

Oh well, only time will tell.

Yes, I like the girl.
But somehow I have an ass feeling that the same thing will happen again.
Some of my closer friends will know what happened to me before.
But oh well, if it happens, I will take it with a pinch of salt like I've always been.

I know I do not have the right to say this to all my depressed friends, but hang on to another day just to see what gets thrown in your way.
Be brave to defend what you truly believe in, what you consider important.
And know you're never alone in whatever circumstance you're in.
I'd still love to listen to any of you.
And if anyone of you needs linking or anything, feel free to send me a private message.
The chaos in the tagbox is getting out of hand.

Well, if whatever's meant to be will be,
It will be.


Peace and love,
Lewis

so if you love me, won't you let me know?

Same signs lead to same ending.
Guess the ol' cliche's gonna happen.

Again.


Peace and love,
Lewis

chasing shadows? yeah.

3 Doors Down - Landing in London

I woke up today in London
As the plane was touching down
And all I could think about was Monday
When maybe I’d be back around
If this keeps me away much longer
I don’t know what I would do
You got to understand it’s a hard life,
that I’m going through

And when the night falls in around me
And I don’t think I’ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you

L. A. is getting kind of crazy
And New York is getting kind of cold
I keep my head from getting lazy
I just can’t wait to get back home

And all these days I spend away
Ill make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it’s all to much to bear

And when the night falls in around me
And I don’t think I’ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you

And all these days I spend away
Ill make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When it’s all to much to bear

And when the night falls in around me
And I don’t think I’ll make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way

Cause all I think about is you

Cause all I think about is you


Peace and love,
Lewis

will you know my name? if I saw you in heaven.

Professor: "Part of the problem, is that everyone is on such a hurry. People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're running all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. Then they find those things are empty, too, and they keep running."

Student: "And once you start running, it's hard to slow yourself down."

Professor: "Not so hard,"

Professor: "Do you know what I do when someone wants to get ahead of me in traffic?"

Professor: "I would raise my hand, as if I was going to make a negative gesture, and then I would wave and smile."

Professor: "Instead of giving them the finger, you let them go, and you smile. And you know what?"

Professor: "A lot of times they smiled back."

Smile and let go.

Peace and love,
Lewis

until someday, I will find the answer.

Breakdown lag.
Why try?
I'm suffocating in here.


Peace and love,
Lewis

there's really no way to reach me.

It has been four freaking consecutive days since I last slept for more than three hours!
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
I'm frustrated.
I'm freaking drained and I'm unable to take everything any longer!
Screw PW and every other shit on my mind!
Screw you lewis!

Screw you lewis!


Peace and love,
Lewis

I need to know if you were real, cause I've been known to get it wrong.

I have so much to say, yet so little to share.
Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard.
Perhaps, I mean nothing at all.
I'm tired.
Gimme a break.


Peace and love,
Lewis