When You're Down, You're Down and Out.

It's a cold world out there.

"When you're down, you're down and out."
This is a phrase I often hear in football matches but never really believed in it.
Only till now.
I came to terms that when bad things happen to you,
bad things would just follow.
And when good things happen to you,
bad things would also follow.

Take last week's case scenario for example:
I bought my tunit boots and was rejoicing.
I kicked the first ball and the feeling was magnificent.
I thought I had it all then.
Only for me to lose one stud that day.
That incident taught me something.
That when you think you have all the answers,
someone would change the question.

It's not about losing the stud,
it's about how bad things can turn in a split second.

Take yesterday's case scenario for example as well:
I was ecstatic when I found out I grew by 2cm.
Though I am still short,
that height increase brought me hope.
I was hyper throughout the whole day.
Until at night when I realised I suddenly had rashes.
Don't worry,
it's not contagious.
Anyway,
I've been burdening my parents so much these few months and this just burdened them more.
I may be alergic to sweat, grass or fabric.
Or I may just have an unnatural reaction.
The first one is the worse and I would not accept it.

I've recently been having thoughts in my mind that I wish I can shrug off but it just keeps coming back.
Even though I liked the thought very much,
I know it's wrong and I know I can't do anything about it.

Life just keeps getting dimmer and dimmer by the moment.
I need a Saviour.
Please.


Peace and love,
Lewis

Thanks.

'The Clique Five'

Yesterday was by far the greatest outing in my JC life so far,
even though we never got to get drunk.
Before the outing was soccer training which really killed me and Anthony's mojo to do anything afterwards.
Soccer happens to be the most stressful CCA outsiders can imagine but cannot see.

There were a lot of feelings suppressed in me and I just couldn't contain them any longer.
Went home to take a teary bath.
After that met with 'The Clique Five' and Miss Ni,
who happens to be the greatest teacher I've ever met.
Though I was faking a smile at the beginning,
time managed to convert it into laughters and a high-spirited Lewis after a long time of absence.
We celebrated Miss Ni's birthday by treating her dinner and a movie.
We watched 'Get Smart' which happens to be so cliche to the extent of it being hilarious.
Ironical eh.
Anyway,
after the movie we went to kovan to hang out and we talked about a lot of stuffs.
I'm glad that both Anthony and Dudley have almost sorted things up in their lives.
Jason seem to be in the middle with me and Ben's lives being screwed up.
Mine's the most screwed up one by the way.
If without 'The Clique Five',
I think I would really be locking myself up in my room a long time ago.

All I can say is a huge "Thank You" to these guys who really helped me through my struggles.
Even though I am still struggling,
they always never fail to try to cheer me up or listen to my problems.
One for all, all for one;
We're all in this together,
for better or for worse.

Thank you guys.


Peace and love,
Lewis

I'm trying.

The mid-year exams are officially over for me.
One simple letter to describe how I think I will fare:

U.
If the teachers marking my papers are kind enough,
they would put two dots above whatever 'U's I got to at least try to cheer me up.
But I doubt they will.

Hurdles; How I can't seem to get past this one.

Life for me has been tough.
Been going through some occasional mood swings recently.
If it weren't for 'The Clique Five',
I think I would've cracked.
Anyway,
I've been thinking pretty much about my life and how it's been.
Pretty much screwed I must say.
I've been struggling to come back to God,
I've been struggling in my studies,
I've been struggling to cling on to my faith,
I've been struggling to handle the stress of both studies and soccer,
I've been struggling to not care about my height.
I've been struggling to find myself.
Struggling has been the only verb I can describe myself doing most of the time.

Through it all I also came to realise that I've been a disappointing friend to almost everyone I know.
I've failed to find the time to talk to my friends who are going throught the same spiritual sloth as I am.
I've been ignoring my leaders; refusing to talk about my problems.
I've been so coped up with my JC life that I fail to hang out with the 'Saints' and my other close friends such as Zi, Janice, Eleanor.
I hate myself for being so ignorant and selfish to think of only myself.

My friends keep telling me to hang on.
My reply is always:
I'm trying.
And I seriously am trying.
I've tried to talk to God,
I've tried to share my problems with my friends,
I've tried to not think too much;
I've tried to find the joy in my life;
I've tried to find an answer to my questions.
But whenever I thought I found the answers,
someone would just change the questions.

It's not that I want to be emotional,
but it's just that feeling that will suddenly gush in when things do not seem right.
Practically,
nothing seems right to me.

So ya,
this is how I've been so far.


Peace and love,
Lewis

Sick.

I came to realise getting sick is no joking matter.
You would hate the feeling of waking up at six every morning for the past 4 days to realise that the fever which you thought had subsided the previous day came back again.
You would hate the feeling of having to cough like crazy every two minutes.
You would hate the feeling of having to stay at home for the day when you initially wanted to go out to study.
I haven't been running since the start of this school holiday and when I wanted to,
the coughing just won't stop.
To make matters worse,
the mid-year examinations are coming in less than two weeks and I have not even covered all the chapters of any subject.
One word to describe this whole predicament:
Screwed.
Damn I feel like I'm dying soon.


Peace and love,
Lewis

The Elderly.

The eldery.
This is the group of people whom I feel we as teenagers fail to appreciate or have compassion for.
Picture this:
An ruggly-dressed old man with only one side of a slipper digging the filthy rubbish bin for aluminium cans on a rainy Sunday evening.
Upon finding one,
he cleans and crushes it before putting it into a big plastic bag filled many more of such cans.
Then one can slips out of the bag and falls into a puddle of mud.
Instead of leaving it,
he runs to it,
squats down and cleans it like it was gold he was scrambling for.
This incident changed my total persepective and made me realise that there's more that I can do for them other than offering money to them.

Honestly,
I dread going out for dinner with my family to coffeeshops or hawker centers.
Not because of the environment,
but because whenever we're eating happily as one family,
I always notice old people walking around attempting to sell the consumers there tissue paper.
The way some people shun them really breaks my heart.

While we're down there eating good food,
they're scrapping to sell tissue paper,
hoping to be able to eat just a packet of chicken rice a day.

As a kid,
I always respected the elderly.
I'm not being boastful,
but I always feel that if you want someone to treat you the way you want to be treated,
you should always treat them the way they want to be treated.
We're all going to grow old anyway.
What if when you're old,
you're the one selling the tissue paper and the younger generation shunning you.

Those elderly you see selling tissue paper either do not have children,
or they've abandoned them.
Have a heart.
1 aluminium can means the world to them.
$1 means a meal to them.
How we as teenagers fail to see their pain.

Do your part today for society.
I've decided to collect aluminum cans at home and pass them to those elderly in the coffeeshops.
It's not much,
but I feel the need to do it.
What about you?


Peace and love,
Lewis

Take Each and Every Training As Your Last

"Take each and every training as your last."
This is a phrase that I feel we as CCA members should uphold irregardless of which CCA you are in or what position you hold.

Honestly,
postitions means nothing if one just uses it for fame.
In my view,
I do not care whether I become the soccer captain or not.
I just want to be able to motivate the team to give their 100% in each and every training;
to see improvements in their fitness and footballing tecniques really make me proud of them.

Hard work is the key to every thing.
Many people in the team are worried and some, afraid, that they might not get a chance to be in the 25 Mr Teng chooses and might even get dropped to the reacreational team.
You guys might feel that I do not feel afraid because I'm a candidate for captain and that Mr Teng would definitely reserve a spot for me on the team,
but I can tell you guys that that doesn't mean that I can slack.
Day after day, I run.
I juggle instead of playing street soccer.
Why?
Cause I know that I am not good enough yet.
Cause I do not want to get into the team just because of my position in the team.
I want to work for a spot.
Not just glide into one.
Satisfaction is only there when one works hard for something and gets it.
As long as one has a clear conscience and know that he/she has worked hard for a spot on the team,
there should be no regrets.
Though it pains to see your teammates playing while you're on the bench,
always know that there will be a shot for you to impress and you've got to make use of that shot to really impress.
And with the hard work one puts in in training,
everyone else can see improvements in one's game, whether Mr Teng sees it or not.
Recreational team or main eleven,
we are all ONE team.
As long as we support one another,
everyone has a part to play in this team.

For those who are worried,
worry not!
For those who are afraid,
fear not!
For as long as you train hard and you know you've given your 100%,
you're already in my main eleven.


Peace and love,
Lewis

Weary.

I'm walking in this never-ending path...

I'm tired...
Tired of being alone...
Tired of being short...
Tired of trying but failing...
Tired of this draught period...
Tired of everything.

Frankly, I do not care about captaincy.
I'd give that up just to see the SRJC soccer guys giving it their all during each training,
whether it was impromptu or not.
I'd give that up just to see the guys bonded together.
And I'd give my hopes of growing taller just to see my friends, whether saved or not coming to Christ.

I need a breakthrough...
Somehow somewhere.
Now...

Messed Up.

He is the answer to all of life's' questions.

Lifesong

In this run,
I can't see the sun.

This race,

I can't keep up the pace.

Through tribulation,

I can't find the solution.

The goal,

I can't even find my soul.

People call me short,

Where's my shot?

Insults hurled at me,

Why me!

Through it all,

Someone heard my call.

A Saviour came,

And took my pain away.

On that Cross,

He paid the cost.

Without a thought,

He came and fought.

What did He have to gain?

He died and rose again.

His nail-scarred hands,

Helped me make amends.

Jesus is the Christ,

And He's on my side.

Though there will be dark and gloomy days to come,

I will fear not!

Through Him I will overcome.

This life-giving water,

Remind me never again to falter.

With Him,

Hell is no more the fine,

Heaven is now the finishing line.

It's been a long time since I last blogged and for the benefit of my SRJC friends,

I've decided to blog on my life story again.

Anyway,

for those of you who think of me as just a goofy guy who jokes a lot,

you should know the phrase:

behind every goofy guy, there's always a sentimental side.

Here's the story.

I once was a guy who love to speak vulgarities,

and I mean LOVE to.

I would often try to fit at least one vulgarity into every sentence.

I had the mentality that girls like guys who speak vulgarities.

What a stupid fool I was.

Besides speaking vulgarities,

I used to indulge in pornography to drown my sorrows as well.

And it's nothing to be proud of.

You won't see a guy going around strutting to everyone "I watch porn! I watch porn!".

Anyway,

my sorrow was mainly due to the fact that I used to have a girlfriend.

Yes,

I used to have a girlfriend.

I initiated the break-up because I found out that I didn't have any feelings for her anymore and staying together would just hurt her further.
The months to follow was agonising,

as that girl couldn't let go and kept wanting a patch-up.

I was into hiding like Mas Selamat now and when my friend invited me to his church event,

I decided to take my hiding there.

I went and accepted Christ that day,

but for the wrong reasons.

All that was going through my mind was

"God, tolong tolong. Help her get over me quickly so that I won't have to hide any further. Protect me God."

Selfish me.

The hiding stopped around two months after the break-up and during that period of time,

I've been going to church,

but going just to hang out with the church people.

I was a stagnant Christian with selfish needs.

During that period of time,

I spend most of my times at home emo-ing and crying.

Because I was really sorry for what I did to that poor girl.

I indulged in pornography to not think of anything.

Again,

what a fool i was.

One day,
I had enough and in the shower,

I just dropped to my knees and cried out to God.

Saying "Forgive me for I have sinned against You time and time again. I had enough of my sinful life! Forgive me God!"
At that moment,

a vision came into my mind.

It was a vision of me kneeling before Jesus on the Cross with His blood pouring down on me.

I didn't quite understood it back then and I consulted my life group leader.

He explained to me that the vision was the Lord telling me that He has forgiven me for my sins and the blood represents His blood clensing me of all my sins.

I was overwhelmed and I just burst into tears.

After that incident,

I still wasn't healed completely.

I was still feeling inferior to everybody.

Being shorter than everybody and feeling empty inside.

I still struggled to shrug off pornography in my life.

And it took my friend's father's death to really wake me up and stir me within.
I was just amazed by how my friend and his family took his father's death.

"He has been working hard all his life for this family and I guess it's time the Lord gave hin rest."

This was what he said to me.

I was just so amazed by how devoted they are in God even though they have lost someone so dear to them.

It was then that I decided that I would live my life not for myself,

but for God.

My life changed completely after that incident.

Once held down by sin,

now held up by Christ.

Relationships may mean a lot to you guys.

Finding the right guy or girl to share something with may be satisfying for a couple of months,

but it will all slowly fade away.

In this world there can only be one for you;

the one God chooses for you.

Short I may be,
but trust in the Lord I will.

I am really glad I made the decision to accept Christ and I am really glad to see some of my friends doing the same as well.

Christ changed my life inside out.

From a guy who speaks vulgarities,

a guy who sees pornography,

He changed me and clensed me.

There can only be one definition to love in life,

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in inquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Now that's true love.